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22nd February 2008
Politics, first foray conclusion
I think we can safely conclude my first experiment with politics. It was a learning experience in several ways, and I like to think that I've acquired some insight into the more intricate social workings of humanity in the progress. :
1) Existing monarchs and similar power figures are easily and swiftly removed with Total Annihilation or equivalent sorcery, but collateral damage tends to be high. Note also the tendency for them to reside in palaces located in the nation's capital. These tend to be important for the effective functioning of the region, being a hub of trade and the center of the nation's administration. Note furthermore that large craters are unsuitable for export and are less of a tourist attraction than one might think, making them fairly inconsequential for national revenue.
2) Popular unrest tends to rise proportionally with previously mentioned collateral damage during the actual takeover process. In my case, I'm far too sexy and overwhelmingly charismatic for anyone to dislike me overmuch, but angry people are surprisingly creative when it comes to finding destructive outlets for their impotent rage. Note also that "Riot capital of Creation", while having a nice ring to it, does even less for the tourism industry than giant Total Annihilation craters. Note furthermore that enslaving the minds of the entire populace with a mighty weaving of sorcery, while solving some of the immediate problems, is not very cost-effective.
3) Careful thought must go into declaring national holidays in your honour. The day of your takeover is traditional. If carefully timed, it can be used to tie together the party-heavy periods between Ascending Fire and the latter part of Resplendent Fire. The naming of said holiday should not be left up to the populace, as this will result in something evocative of your takeover and while "Day of our All Conquering and Fearsome Blood Overlord" has its merits and gets you some street cred, it kinda sets a bum tone for your rule.
4) I got the touch. I got the power. After all is said and done, I never walk, I never run. I'm aware. I got the moves. I know the street. I break the rules, take the heat. I'm nobody's fool. I'm at my best when the going gets rough, I've been put to the test but it's never enough. Note also that I never bend, I never break. I seem to know just what it takes, I'm on fire. It's in the blood, it's in the will, it's in the mighty hands of steel when I'm standing my ground. I'll never get hit when my back's to the wall, gonna fight to the end and I'm taking it all.
5)Should excess damage be inflicted on the nation's infrastructure during the initial takeover, a large demon workforce is the quickest way to get things fixed. However, unless carefully managed, this will tend to result in buildings and streets with geometry that tends to have a few unwanted dimensions tucked away somewhere. Long term effects of these can result in all manner of fascinating phenomena, including screaming mouths appearing on sidewalks, people's flesh fusing to their homes and creating nightmarish house-people horrors, all roads leading to the city no matter which way you're going, and explosive decompression. While fascinating, these events tend to be greeted with a lack of enthusiasm by the inhabitants.
The experiment concluded, I decided to bow out of rulership to compile my notes. I feel confident that my next foray into the political arena shall be most fruitful.
21st January 2008
A different approach...
Some Eclipses I know tell me politics is where it's at. So far, I've been approaching life under the assumption that the construction of esoteric magical machinery with strange and terrible applications is the whole point of the thing, but in light of recent events it may be time for a change. :
I mean, it's the same basic principles, really. You have a set-up or a system that works a certain way, and then you tinker with it, make adjustments and add essence cannons until the whole thing starts doing what you want it to do, or at least something new and interesting...
There's plenty of cozy little caliphates, kingdoms and assorted city-states here in the South. It's just a matter of picking somewhere interesting with nice beaches and attractive womenfolk and start applying some well-honed principles to things that they were not originally designed for...
It'll be a hoot. The win shall flow like a river. I can smell it already!
18th January 2008
Okay. I'm done dismantling. Turns out making a machine that makes you postpone things indefinately doesn't help productivity much. That's a flash of inspiration that I'd like to have had BEFORE I built this damn thing, though. :
Still, this whole debacle kinda snapped me back and gave me some perspective. Namely, I'm still homeless, and only my charms and the shade from fruits of my useless world-saving device spree keep me from boiling in my own juices out here in the desert.
If there's anyone out South who doesn't mind me crashing on their couch (or silk divan carried by slaves) while I get my shit together, please let me know. Preferrably someone who owns a harem. A harem of women. Young women. That are pretty. And human. Once burned, twice learned, and all that.
13th January 2008
Yes! Now, with the Procrastinatus Rex operational, I will be able to get absolutely nothing done for vast stretches at a time! :
27th November 2007
Disappointingly peaceful in its application
I just spent most of a month constructing a machine that ensures painless and safe childbirth for every living thing in a ten-mile radius. :
I feel accomplished and yet somehow violated at the same time.
I guess there's room for improvement, though. For starters, we could go mobile. I'm thinking enormous tripod legs or perhaps massive, crushinating treads. Also, the local spirits of stillbirth and stuff would probably be a little cross, so throwing on some essence cannons and implosion bows for defense is practically mandatory. Also, I've been looking for someplace to install a Merciless Soul Shredder for field testing. This is probably as good a chance as any.
Also, I need to invest some XP in mental defenses. Like, all of it. For the next decade or so.
31st October 2007
Finally figured out how to post to this thing via Infallible Messenger. Not having to hard-code text into another reality directly through my manse's geomantic essence flows is tremendously liberating. :
Been a while since I updated here, but I've been spending a lot of time out South in the desert. I figured it was prudent after all the crap that's been raining down on me recently.
I've been doing some thinking about my priorities out here in the sea of sand. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I can't remember the last time I built something that doesn't blow stuff up good. Granted, my things blow stuff up REAL good. Like, seriously, they do. Ridiculously awesome good. They're like explosion CAKE. The sad fact is that after a while, you can no longer feel clever about inventing yet another thing to do something you've designed a hundred other things to do. I think it may be time to come up with a new shtick. Agriculture and Transportation are fields I've only touched briefly on, mainly through blowing up farms and transports, and I think it might be an interesting change of -wait wait WAIT a minute here!! That doesn't sound like something I would say! I smell Unnatural Mental Influence...
No, that's ridiculous, I'm far too smart and handsome to fall for something like that. And everybody likes me. This is crazy talk. And I'm not crazy, am I? No, of course I'm not. I should just really sit down somewhere and come up with something nice and safe that won't hurt anyone and might actually enrich a life or two without creating mounds and mounds of paperwork and bringing into existence a gaggle of bothersome new gods to govern it, thus guaranteeing overtime for no-one in particular who isn't even here right now and in fact left long before I started writing this.
Yes, that sounds like a plan.
1st October 2007
Note to self: Work kinks out of World Ripple Motion Fist. Specifically, the use-inflicted coma, the internal bleeding and the self-immolation. Fire bad. :
Well, that damn Sidereal should be thoroughly destroyed now. He might've Avoidance Kata'd, but I'm fairly confident the WRMF didn't leave him anywhere to Avoidance Kata to. Pretty sure I didn't catch anything of cosmic importance in the blast radius, either. Bonus.
On the downside, I've washed up on the shore of what I'm reasonably certain is the Blessed Isle. This is less than optimal. Once my fingers grow back I'll whip up some sorcery and bug outta here, but until then, I better find myself a hole to hole up in. In a hole.
Would appreciate if noone breathes a word of this to the Immaculates. That would make me sad. Sad right in your brittle face.
11th September 2007
***WORLD RIPPLE MOTION FIST!!!!***
10th September 2007
I don't know how long I have. The only reason I'm still alive is because that hopped-up Sidereal superjackass forgot to get his Form 23b: Authorization for Solar Termination properly signed and countersigned. He's out getting ink on it, and since my legs are still more or less functional I've managed to dump myself overboard and swim for a nearby desert island. :
Morning, I will be needing you to sift through the wreck and find that yellow double-helix thing you've seen hanging on the wall of my lab sometimes. And get it to me. When that chump comes back he's getting a faceful of World Ripple Motion Fist. I'm not entirely certain what happens if I don't have that doohickey to check the effects, but I'm fairly sure it won't be pretty. This thing, theoretically speaking, doesn't have a maximum range.
Also, If you could find some of my blood and bring it back to me, that'd be swell. I'm running sorta low.
6th September 2007
It hurts and stings
Someone just punched me in the exuberance. :
More when I uncurl from my ball of agony.
5th September 2007
Something's...not quite right. I stopped in Coral to refill the booze n' drugs tank, and when I came back to my ship someone had sunk it. My nigh-indestructible First Age warship. No-one saw anything, although a few of the local God-bloods remember the entire vessel splitting in two as if karate-chopped by something enormous. But nothing as to who or what did it. That pretty much guarantees Sidereal involvement. :
All is not lost, however. Most of my high-yield stuff was elsewhere, anyway, and this nice older guy whose name and face escape me at the moment offered me a ride on his boat to somewhere I could get a new ride. Can't for the life of me remember the name of the place, but he was very convincing. I'll be fine.
30th August 2007
Ocean of fun
The search for a more interesting place to live has been occupying most of my time lately. I've unearthed a few possibilities, but until I settle on something I'll prolly be on an extended party cruise. If anyone sees strobelights moving at unusual speeds across the horizon, that's probably me and my First Age rave party boat. Say what you will about the Autocthonians, they make some nice dance tunes. Feel free to drop in and tear it up. :
Right, new living arrangements. The Bodhisattva offered me a manse he's not using out on Skullstone. It comes with a fully stocked lab and a library of forbidden knowledge not meant for mortal eyes, so that's a plus. On the down side, I've heard that Skullstone's dating scene is pretty dead. Literally.
Second possibility is living under the sea. There's plenty of underwater manses that are either unoccupied or owned by some wussy spirits that I can boot out with too much trouble. The Dragonblooded won't bother getting their fancy clothes all wet to bother me, and I can feast on seafood every day. However, it is awful wet, which will do my hairdo no favours...
Third, there's always the option of becoming a MAN! Of the SEA! Full time. It's got a certain charm, just roaming the seas, having adventures, maybe do a little of that piratin' that seems to be in vogue these days, do the whole "girl in every port" thing. I'd be setting myself up for some seaman jokes, but I could probably get around that by aquiring some hot, scantily clad sailor girls to crew my boat and tend to my every need. That plan would take some work, as all they have out here are Tya, but I'm sure my radiant sexy manliness will blow the butch right out of them.
Oh, and by the way, Xeno, I just received a letter from your heavenly bureau-thingy that says I've been assigned a "Super killguy", whatever that is. Should I be worried?
8th August 2007
After some deliberation, it has been decided that it is in the best interest of everyone that my monolith be confiscated and eaten by Amoth City-Smiter. A couple Abyssals actually showed up as well and made a strong case for the mouth of oblivion, but I feel more comfortable having the pinnacle of my artificier career eaten by someone who will actually enjoy it. :
With that out of the way, my dull little tropical paradise seems to be returning to business as usual. I think it's time to load up the ol' yacht and take a little cruise to more interesting climes. I hear Bluehaven is nice this time of year...
6th August 2007
Does anyone know what happened to last month? I think that this might actually be next month, or possibly this month, last year. All my calendars seem to have spontaneously combusted, so I can't be sure. :
Hmm...judging from the sudden thunderstorm and essence-fueled lightshow outside, I'm guessing that Heaven is sending a delegation to discuss my latest escapades. I better go put the kettle on.
4th July 2007
It's finished. It's some sort of....monolith. Or ziggurat, maybe. It's hard to tell with all the distorted geometry. :
Still bored as all hell. I think I'll go see what I can do with this thing.
3rd June 2007
Dull by design
I seem to have inadvertently moved to the most boring spot in Creation. Literally. The Essence of this place is all kinds of messed up, but not in any interesting "Verily, Doom hath descended upon this world!" way. Someone seems to have gone to an awful lot of trouble to make sure that nothing ever happens here. And I mean like, AWFUL awful lot. The local Dragon Lines have been carefully altered to maintain a kind of dull, grey weather around the place. I discovered a tribe of carnivorous shredder monkeys in the jungle that seem to have gone vegan several generations ago. If you stand very still and listen, you can hear very faint elevator music. :
This is a problem. With all this peace and quiet, I'm getting too much done. I've moved way ahead of schedule into some new territory of productivity I've never even heard of. I'm making something enormous in the basement, and for the first time I'm not entirely sure what it is. Lesser men might be apprehensive about something like that, but I am well aware of the fact that I'm a sexy sexy genius. It's bound to turn out awesome, like everything I do.
9th May 2007
Right, there's something horribly wrong with this manse. :
I've been here for two weeks now. In that time, nothing has blown up. Nothing has gained sentience and a malevolent will. Nothing has unexpectedly turned into something else. No rivals have come a'knocking for a kung-fu beatdown.
This means that I'm getting much more done than I'm used to. I've pretty much restocked my WMD arsenal with brand-new innovations (keep an eye out for the Circumvariant Integrity-Shattering Effigy, coming soon to commercial retailers near you!), but I've also found time to work on my tan. I am now a bronzed Adonis of manly perfection, instead of the merely skin-toned Adonis of manly perfection I once was.
But the quiet, it haunts me. It's me we're talking about here. I'm supposed to be the eye in a storm of cataclysmic events, the fulcrum around which a mad cavalcade of action turns. I think it's time for some inspired mucking up of the place's feng shui and the local dragon lines.
25th April 2007
Vagrant no more
Ah, the abandoned manse. Friend to vagabond Exalts everywhere. :
It's secluded, the only viable approach is from the air, and best of all I didn't have to violently toss out any previous occupants. One has to wonder exactly why such a prime piece of magical real estate hasn't been snatched up by someone already, but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. If there's something horribly wrong with it I'll be the first to know, I'm sure. Until then, I am master of my own tiny tropical paradise.
18th April 2007
I'm posting this from my airship, stylishly skimming over the western ocean as I speak. I managed to get most of my stuff out before everyone and their grandmothers showed up at my door and made with the violence, but I'm sad to report that my fuzzy living Hatra slippers gave their lives in defense of their beloved master as he was lugging his solid gold recliner to the cargo hold. Their sacrifice will not be in vain. :
Lessee...apart from some low-yield stuff, most of my WMD arsenal was spent or destroyed in my little spree. Same goes for my living experiments. Which kinda sucks. The 'strider, library and most of my furniture's safe and sound though.
So...anyone want to go halfsies on a manse out west? Exalt-type, gender or race are no issues. At this point I'd shack up with anything.
16th April 2007
I think I did a bad thing...
Oooooh crap. :
I better start packing. According to my calculations, the Wyld Hunt, Sidereal hit squad, Abyssal-led army of the dead, Raksha horde and angry villager mob will converge on my manse at more or less exactly the same time, and when that happens I intend to be safely relocated somewhere far west.
Some sand, surf and sun will do me some good. Well, that and the lack of angry beings out for my blood.
Morning, it's been fun. Once I find a new place out west I'd be glad to have you as a household servant/fixer again.
Xeno...uh, hey, at least I'm out of your hair now, and you can start feeling sorry for the poor buggers in the Convention of Water.
14th April 2007
Why yes, something IS burning....
I have seen the true name of the world, and it is FIRE! :
I'm doing my part. Are you doing yours? Are YOU doing YOURS!? Are you DOING yours?
Finding world slightly less combustible than expected. Working on a fix. More later.
10th April 2007
A wise man once said: "Stupid useless compassion"
Yet again, my compassion score bites me in the ass. :
For those who know me, I'm big on the bachelor lifestyle. Sure, my constant partying and unorthodox experiments tend to leave my home a little messy, but it's MY mess.
Now, my Dawn buddy Radiant Iron Gauntlet got kicked out by his Lunar mate a few days ago. From what he's told me, it was an argument over commitment, or rather his lack of it to her plans to wash the loggers up in Farhold away in a wave of steel and bloodshed. Anyway, long story short, he's crashing with me while she calms down.
Problem is, while he's fun to hang around and smite the foes of Creation with, he has accumulated a vast collection of odious personal habits that are driving me completely nuts. Is it too much to ask to take of your spiky orichalcum armour before sitting on my beutifully-carved comfy chairs? Ever heard of basic hygiene? Judging from the dried blood he tracks inside everytime he comes back from one of his forays you'd think he just bathes in the stuff all day.
All I'm saying is, they better make up soon. I'm THIS close to my limit break, and there is some nasty shit in my basement that will make some people very sad once I lose all restraint towards using it.
27th March 2007
Home improvement blues
Last week, I got the bright idea to redesign my manse. Nothing fancy mind you, just a few more sub-basement levels for WMD storage, a rotating dance floor on the roof and some minor shifts of the local dragon lines so my kitchen stops periodically erupting with geysers of scalding water. :
However, instead of getting my exalted architect on, I've spent all my time since then stuggling with the Celestial Bureaucracy over their stupid housing regulations. You want to put up a new (essence-fueled deathmachine) fence? "Okay, that'll be vast bribes to these five officials who are actually all different aspects of the same official, but they all hate each other so you have to make sure none of them finds out you're bribing the others." Want to redesign your celestial plumbing? "Right, see this line? That's the line for an appointment with the god of waiting in lines. These people have all been here since last Calibration. Your number is 4566048823." Want a new front door? "So, here's this enormous tusked panther-boar. He has your permit lodged in his lower intestine somewhere. Also, we haven't fed him for a while and he seethes with bloodlust. Good luck."
Remarkably, things started going a lot better when I started just preemptively punching every clerk I met. Eventually, word got around and this morning my permits were delivered via ninja assassin without me having to do anything else. Well, except snapping the bastard's neck. Fucking ninjas.
13th March 2007
I just realized...
I need to rock out more. Seriously. Like...hard. On my seventeen-stringed orichalcum guitar. That thing can whip out licks hot enough to melt faces, and has.
27th February 2007
What are we teaching our kids?
Went and aquired a recent copy of the Black and White treatises, just to see what they're teaching the kids these days. Public education's gone waaaay downhill since the First Age, it seems. Where is Murderous Lance of Hoarfrost? There will come a time in every sorcerer's life when he just has to skewer a giant of molten iron and hate, and when that day comes the generation that's grown up with the sadly lacking educational manuals of today will meet a messy end. Where is Chaos Dynamo? Invocation of the Sundered Mind? Parting the Curtain of Flesh? This is elementary stuff, people! If you don't teach this in the schools, kids will have to procure this material through other, less safe means. Like the Broken Winged Crane. You want your kids hooked on the demon juice? :
On a side note, the sign on my door that says "Abyssals by appointment only" is not a joke. The next emo Deathknight idiot who shows up uninvited to pitch the wonders of joining forces with his dread masters to me is getting a heel drop to the spine.